Friday, December 17, 2004

I was reading the top 500 songs of all time as chosen by Rolling Stone Magazine. Bah! What a joke. What’s the utter fascination with the Beatles and John Lennon? “Imagine” was number 3. Have you really listened to the lyrics? It’s something an indignant 6th grade student would write for a Rememberance day assignment. I found that I could agree with very little on the list, so in honor of my wedding coming up, I decided to put up my list of the 700 greatest songs. I randomized the list, so there is no order. The number 1 song is not in fact my true number 1. I would like to say that I’m being altruistic but in fact I’m lazy. Ordering 700 songs would be a monumental task. I am proud to say that no John Lennon songs are on the list, but there is a lot of stuff that I was previously embarrassed to admit to loving. So on to the list warts and all. I will post the list 100 songs at a time.

1.“God Only Knows” The Beach Boys- No white boys have ever pulled off harmony like this.
2.“California” Rusty- How do you saw a head off with a knife?
3.“Down in the Valley” Slim Whitman- I don’t think Old Slim has made too many lists, so I thought I’d give him the shout out. This song is awesome. Does anyone remember when Grossburger sang it in Stir Crazy.
4.“Young at Heart” Frank Sinatra- Frank is the all time Mack Daddy. If I could live any celebrity’s life, it would be old Blue Eyes. Man what a pimp.
5.“New Jack Hustler” Ice T- The Original Gangster himself “Dies harder than Bruce Willis”
6.“You Can’t Bring Me Down” Suicidal Tendencies- Before they got the funk, nobody could light it up like the ST Army.
7.“Wishing” Flock of Seagulls- Back in the day, I would never admit to liking these fashion victims, but what the hell they are cool.
8.“Dream On” Aerosmith- This is one band that shouldn’t have given up the drugs. Actually I think this is pretty much true with all bands.
9.“Naveed” Our Lady Peace- Who is Naveed? Are they aware of some mythology I’ve never heard of.
10.“California Uber Alles” Dead Kennedy’s- There is no better political lyricist on the planet than Jello Biafra. His lyrics are funny as hell and infinitely smarter than John Lennon.
11.“Beast of Burden” Rolling Stones- I think that this is one of the sexiest song ever, and believe me when I say that I know sexy.
12.“Easy” The Commodores- I think Lionel getting beat by his wife let him get in touch with his gentle side and produce the grooviest ballads ever.
13.“Sweet Virginia” Rolling Stones- Probably the first Alt-country band.
14.“Landslide” Smashing Pumpkins- Just an amazing song that makes the list twice. Billy does angst really well.
15.“Ave Maria” Beethoven- How can a human being create sounds this beautiful when he is deaf?
16.“Complicated” Face to Face- Underrated band that could have had twenty appearances on my list if I wasn’t trying to police myself. I have listened to them steady for 10 years and I have never grown tired of them.
17.“If You Leave Me Now” Chicago- Made an entire generation’s voice crack under the strain of trying to sing along.
18.“Lost in the Supermarket” The Clash- From the only band that mattered, a song that denies classification. Maybe their best.
19.“Sexual Healing” Marvin Gaye- My first exposure to Marvin came at a time when I started to view the opposite sex in a favorable light. This has to be in my top ten.
20.“Goldfinger” Shirley Bassey- James Bond music is cool. Period.
21.“Darby’s Song” Lucero- If you haven’t listened to these guys, please do (not the weird Italian pop star). This particular songs is one of the saddest songs out there.
22.“These Arms of Mine” Otis Redding- Who do you think got more chicks, Marvin or Otis? Seriously.
23.“Waiting on a Friend” Rolling Stones- Last great song from the old fogies. Sorry “Harlem Shuffle” just doesn’t cut it
24.“Summertime” Miles Davis- One of the slickest guys ever, and the weirdest.
25.“The Kids Aren’t Alright” The Offspring- I have issues with these guys, but this is one rockin’ tune.
26.“Deny Everything” Circle Jerks- A very good code to live your life by.
27.“She Got the Way to Move Me” Neil Diamond- The hair, good lord the hair.
28.“The Price” Twisted Sister- Who thought that Dee could emote like this?
29.“The Boxer” Simon and Garfunkle- The mouth harp in this reminds me of the time Snoopy left home to find the truth of his past.
30.“Kiss of Life” Sade- She does something strange to my loins.
31.“Paranoid” Black Sabbath- I think that this one track is more influential than the entire back catalog of the Beatles and Led Zeppelin put together. If you disagree with me, Ozzy will send you into the Abyss.
32.“One Love” Bob Marley- If you have ever traveled outside of the “First World”, you’ll realize how huge this guy was.
33.“G’s and Hustlers” Snoop Dogg- “I wanna be a mother-fuckin’ hustler, you betta ask somebody”
34.“To Live and Die in L.A.” Tupac- He was always hit and miss with me, but this song slides.
35.“Wavelength” Van Morrison- Getting drunk and in trouble with Van the man would have to be the highlight of anyone’s life.
36.“Pocket Full of Shells” Rage Against the Machine- A call to arms for the dissatisfied masses of middle class teenage boys. Man life is tough. Great bass line though.
37.“Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” The Platters- I imagine myself being the belle of the ball.
38.“More Than a Women” The Bee Gees- Did the Gee with the really high voice lose his nuts in a bizarre farming accident? I would like to know.
39.“When I’m with You” Sheriff- I developed a crush on a girl in the presence of this song. I can’t help it.
40.“I’m on Fire” Bruce Springsteen- He sounds like a sexual predator. Awesome!
41.“Adante” Vivaldi- This Italian is the Godfather of Classical in my eyes.
42.“Born on the Fourth of July” John Williams- I hate unchecked patriotism, and this is a haunting reminder.
43.“Black Day in July” Gordon Lightfoot- He comes up with one of the catchiest riffs ever
44.“Ohio” Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young- Hey it’s my birthday song. I came into the world at the same time as the Kent State massacre.
45.“The Number of the Beast” Iron Maiden- The opening guitar opened my eyes to the joy of metal.
46.“Breaking the Girl” Red Hot Chili Peppers- If you watch the video, you can see how amazing a dancer Flea is. Does that make me sound gay?
47.“Tiny Dancer” Elton John- I married a tiny dancer for real.
48.“You Send Me” Sam Cooke- Sam is straight up butter.
49.“Rearview Mirror” Pearl Jam- One of my all time favorite bands with yet another titanic song.
50.“Falling in Love Again” Nina Simeon- Very few people in the last 100 years have been as talented as her.
51.“Adagio” Bach- The Mathematical Maestro rips your heart out and lives it laying next to the violin.
52.“Little Red Corvette” Prince- Here’s another song tied into the awakening of my sexual awareness. Mom what does “Trojan and some of them used” mean?
53.“J.A.R.” Green Day- One of their best songs from the underrated soundtrack to “Angus”
54.“Fire and Fury” Oscar Lopez- An absolute master of the guitar.
55.“Moonlight Sonata” Beethoven- One of the most recognizable pieces of music in the history of mankind for a reason.
56.“Could You Be Loved” Bob Marley- A truly great dance track, just right for freestyling alone in your underwear.
57.“Hotel California” Gypsy Kings- Much better than the original.
58.“Hair of the Dog” Nazareth- Nazareth reminds me of my sister as a teenager. She was just that kind of girl.
59.“Bang Your Head” Quiet Riot- Heidi O’Berg, wherever you are, this one’s for you.
60.“Try a Little Tenderness” Otis Redding- The big guy is back and he seems pretty passionate about something or other.
61.“One More Time” Daft Punk- My first New Year’s Eve with my honey.
62.“Brandenburg Concerto” Bach- More haunting sweetness from the man.
63.“Lady Venom” Swollen Members- One of the worst band names ever, but great rap from some D&D geeks from Vancouver.
64.“Carol of the Bells” John Williams- The top carol of all time.
65.“Name” Goo Goo Dolls- I can’t help it, I love this song. Is the fat bass player the most unlikely rock star ever? The singer is totally embarrassed to share the stage with him.
66.“I Ran” Flock of Seagulls- No remorse for the hair!
67.“Fairies Wear Boots” Black Sabbath- They can sing about FAIRIES and still sound tough.
68.“Shelter from the Storm” Bob Dylan- I like some of Bob’s tunes, but I don’t think that he’s even close to the god that music journalist think he his. He hates his fans for a good reason. Hey, I just sing songs.
69.“Juke Box Hero” Foreigner- I wanted to be a Juke Box Hero and to keep on rockin’.
70.“Sailing” Christopher Cross- He won about a hundred Grammy awards in one year and then absolutely disappeared. Weird.
71.“You Can’t Always Get What You Want” Rolling Stones- Mick CAN get every thing he wants.
72.“Dancing with Myself” Billy Idol- I would love to get Billy’s take on issues of the day. “Hey Billy, what overall effect is the IMF having on the developing world?” I bet that he’s really smart.
73.“Creep” TLC- Not a song that I married man wants to listen to, but what a groove.
74.“In Your Eyes” Peter Gabriel- Genesis went from Gabriel to Collins. Ouch.
75.“Another Thing Coming” Judas Priest- I came from a place where people would display their Screaming for Vengeance flags in their front windows, and I couldn’t be more proud.
76.“How Can I Laugh” Suicidal Tendencies- ST goes fully metal with brilliant results.
77.“Minority” Green Day- I live in a country where I’m a .01% minority. This song is empowering.
78.“True” Spandau Ballet- A late night Karaoke favorite.
79.“Busy Child” Crystal Method- There is no better background music for playing video games.
80.“Drivin’ on 9” The Breeders- Kim has such a sweet voice.
81.“We Belong” Pat Benatar- My junior high had a talent contest. This one girl did an air band version of this. One of the most painful moments I have ever witnessed. I still have flashbacks.
82.“Filler” Minor Threat- Unmatched attitude. So much anger.
83.“Don’t Let Me Get Me” Pink- Apparently she fights a battle with the mirror and she tired of being compared to damn Britney Spears.
84.“Won’t Back Down” Tom Petty- He must be in the top three stoned guys of all time.
85.“September” Earth, Wind, and Fire- There are very few songs that make me feel this happy.
86.“State of Love and Trust” Pearl Jam- This is their most rocking song.
87.“Join the Army” Suicidal Tendencies- A milestone, where they begin to fuse punk with metal. FEAR THE ARMY.
88.“TV Party” Black Flag- Repo Man and Black Flag = Good Times.
89.“Waiting in Vain” Bob Marley- Unrequited love and Bob Marley go hand in hand. He understands your pain.
90.“Free Bird” Lynrd Skynrd – Awesome guitar solo Dude!
91.“Open Arms” Journey- Junior High dance. Slow dance. Is that mistletoe? Tongue or not? That is the question.
92.“Fall Children” AFI- A throwback to all that is good and decent in the world. Shades of Beyond Possession.
93.“Children of the Revolution” Violent Femmes-A lot of bands have covered this song but give me the Femmes any day.
94.“Reach Out” The Four Tops- Powerful intro rips into some prime Motown style.
95.“In a Big Country” Big Country- The second best use of bagpipes in a rock song.
96.“Block Rocking Beats” Chemical Brothers- I’ve been known to cut a rug to this song.
97.“Fly Me to the Moon” Frank Sinatra- My greatest dream was to see Frank sing this in Vegas. A smoke in one hand and a highball in the other. My heart was broken when he died.
98.“The Birmingham Six” The Pogues- One of the best live performances I have ever seen.
99.“Pass the Dutchie” Musical Youth- I had a Dutch classmate, and we showed him no mercy when this hit came out.
100. “Bring the Noise” Public Enemy- Chuck D is the all time best rapper. Nobody is close.

Friday, October 01, 2004

Drunk and angry at the sheep's refusal to acknowledge me Posted by Hello


As you know, I'm on a budget. My scooter is a mess, and I want to save money. Hey, why not pick up skateboarding? It's all the rage with the young kids these days, perhaps you've heard of it. So last night I hit the streets after work. Who the hell am I kidding? I'm in my mid-thirties, overweight, and out of shape. I almost killed myself. I lasted for about two blocks. Dogs were barking and children were laughing. Today I'm shelling out all the money it takes to get my scooter up and running.

On a budget

So I'm getting married. I can't believe anyone would want to spend the rest of their life with me, but there you are. To pay for this upcoming wedding we are trying to control our spending. My big contribution thus far has been the culinary creation of "Ghetto Minestrone". We usually eat out, but the new responsibility has me working wonders in the kitchen. Take a can of tomato soup, throw in a can of corn, and some left over spaghetti noodles. Spice with salt and pepper (none of that hippie Basil crap allowed) and before you know it, you're eating like a king. Who needs the Queer eye guys? Wow, I pity my woman. Coming next week: My recipe for "One Bean Salad"

Wednesday, September 29, 2004


Welcome to the new home of the Socialist Red Neck. A quick explanation of my alias is probably warranted. I always believed that men tended to grow more conservative and right-wing with age, well it seems to be taking an opposite direction with me. It seems that the word "liberal" is a dirty word, so why not go for the "F" bomb and label myself a socialist. I believe that letting business dictate social and foreign policy is madness and I am actually starting to believe that democracy is overrated. I don't trust myself to know who would really be the best leader, so why would I trust the masses of primitive screwheads. And most importantly, I am profoundly lazy. I haven't come to a conclusion yet as to a better solution, but I think it might involve genetic super children. As for the red neck label, that is a shout out to my upbringing. No, I don't burn crosses (well just the one with my friend Bubba), and I don't believe in racial superiority of any kind. However, I do believe that an outdoor barbeque and chugging cheap cans of beer is the apex of western culture. I also would be damn proud to live in a trailer park and play hash hockey day in and day out (my fiance is holding me back on that one). It's good to be proud of where one comes from, and I still get a tug on the old heart strings when I hear some hardcore rock infused with just a touch of country twang. Yeehaw!!!OVER.